Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been left questioning his future in politics after earning a ringing endorsement from Liz Truss, a politician now synonymous with abject failure and having her premiership outlived by a lettuce.
In a further resolute display of fiscal responsibility, the UK government is continuing its unwavering pursuit of carers who were overpaid by a few pounds in their Carer's Allowance, while giving a nonchalant shrug in the general direction of Tory peer Michelle Mone, who is sitting pretty on a cool £200 million from a less-than-spotless PPE deal.
After toothbrush scientists revealed that most toothbrushes are riddled with tiny pieces of human faeces, poo particles have announced they are disgusted by the findings.